today has been.. a bad-good day. It was good because we got somethingood off the road quite smoothly without benuel and chunlong. Of course there was Daniel, I'm beginning to think he thinks me quite useless but that's besides the point. (I hope he doesn't read this). Daniel's a very meticulous and organised person, a trait I greatly appreciate because he's the kinda guy who would do everything he promises to do and do it well. He doesn't tell you he'll do something and back out, nor does he produce shoddy work. But I suppose, everyone's work ethics/ability part at some point. I'm quite shoddy with my work. Slap stick. He doesn't seem too pleased that things havent been as organised as it should be. I don't know what to say when people aren't satisfied. Because I can't say anything. I can't say I'll make it better when I cannot do that. But at least, i do believe everyone has tried their best and that is what matters the most to me.

Today is my last day of work. I thought it was yesterday so I turned up at Orchard and set the shaw house and accapella station up. Was canning very happily (I think I'm happiest a canner) when suddenly my phone rang. It was my boss. She said "This is your last day of work. Why aren't you here??!?!" and she was very annoyed. I felt really bad esp since I'd already skipped monday. She told me to come for the second half of the day. so here I am. but there was the problem of the shaw house station.

How could I leave the station with a canner?? When this was -shaw house- the money bringer. And the head quarter station. And worst of all, I feel I am not showing as much commitment as I am expecting of the others, by disappearing like that. If it had been someone else I would be cursing. So I called Vaish. Thong was due back anyway. Then I got Ian to cover while his canners had their lunch break. And left.

I'm sorry Daniel. Last night I was freaking out to the guys and grace that they were 'abandoning' me. Not that I thought they would actually abandon me but Grace said no one from the core committee wld be down tomorrow besides me so I freaked. And then I just ran off leaving -them-. I dunno...

I feel I'm messing up badly.

I'm expecting of others what I am not giving myself. But I am afraid, that if I don't expect from others, nor push them, that somethingood would collapse. Because it really has to be a group effort. and everyone is tired and irritable. Some people probably didn't realise how much work it would be when they agreed to help out and now are wishing they didn't sign up for it. But what can we do when the show is already on the road? We can't let them back out. I'm sorry you guys. I am. I don't know what to do. I don't want to keep apologising.

All I've been doing all these holidays is apologise. Because of so many of my shortcomings I wish I didn't have but am very aware of. I guess this is a public apology to everyone whose toes I've stepped on. To everyone I've pushed harder than I have right to. To everyone I've yelled at in my haste and hurry. Perhaps that's why I won't make a good leader. because I don't have the cool to handle differment from what we planned.

I must say, last night was fun. I love having you guys over. Tomorrow I'm having an MOE meeting to 'end' my work attachment. Let's hope to God they'll let me out of it so i can go somethingood. I can't keep skipping it like this.

I dunno. I'm confused honestly. I can't tell you if I think overall things have been 'good' or 'bad' but I can tell you what has happened. And you'll have to decide yourself. because my opinion differs from other people, just as others differ from others. Personally, I think things that have happened has been good. Because I truly believe everyone who matters have tried their best and have given more than is expected of them. But perhaps, the results don't show that? Personally I judge a 'good' performance relative to how good it could be based on what I think the people can offer. And I think somethingood has been really good.

I'm worried. Benuel says people are watching is and might be trying to rob us. I guess we need to be cautious.

Chunlong seems tired but he came down for somethingood today. which confuses me all the more. Does he like this or does he not? Benuel is fine I know, but he just needs his rest. Benuel likes work. He's a worker. Daniel? You tend to think Daniel takes things stoically but lately I've been seeing the irritation. I understand but that confuses me too. Claud has been working. Viv and Jud tend to come when they're supposed to so you can depend on them. Shoojee keeps silently in the corner and I'm not sure if he thinks I'm stressed so is keeping away or if he's pissed at me for being a complete bitch. I yelled at Yumun because Bao En was still at PS at 2 when I said be at Shaw by 2. I yelled at a lot of people in the past few days. Mostly because they ain't listening to me. They're saying 'okay' to me without taking what i say seriously. But you know, I shouldn't. (part of me still wishes people would start listening).

I want a colony of robots to run. Coz my mum says I can't live with people. She says I have the equivilant of attitude problems (as nice as a mum can say it). Grace got pissed at me this morning coz I was talking to her in an accusatory tone. I'm sorry. I really am. It ain't your fault.

I need to get away from being myself for a long while. I need to stop worrying and let everything fall into place on its own. But I think I'm still holding on to that desire to change my life or change other people's lives. I think in my haste I have been messing up a lot. I wanna make a difference. But I guess that's why most people don't -work- things. Because it's really hard (in my opinion) not to mess up.

I wonder if anyone can imagine the number of calls I've been getting from people complaining about one thing or another. I wonder if strangers think before they come up to me and say we can steal money from big slits. The insinuation. But then society is a suspicious one. it's understandable too since there are so many bad people around. People come up and say "why are you doing this? The government is lying to you. how much money goes to the children and how much goes to operational costs?" I guess they have a right to know where their money goes to but what else can be done on our part than to collect money from the public. I can't ask CCF about the money nor tell them this money MUST go to the kids. that's their jurisdiction.

The best times are when people seem genuinely interested about why we're doing this. When they don't suspect us of siphoning off the money. When they don't dismiss it as "oh school organised. For CIP right?" Every single thing that went into this event was done by the somethignood committee. The school (though through no fault of their own) have added to our bureaucracy. No teacher has done paper work for us. So it's just kinda, disspointing to have everything dismissed as 'school organised'. Today a lady came up and listened to the quartet for a long while (It has been by far the largest earner of all our performances) and she said "I'm a cancer survivor myself". Those are the best times. Today an elderly man came up to me and dumped a whole bag of 5 cent coins on my tin. ten dollars worth. Another guy asked if the quartet would be coming back. I met nice people like aaron from A Vacent Affair (by the way viv, he went to Ngee Ann Sec).. so those were the good times. and those hopefully, will be the times I remember when all is said and done.

PS. I'm still waiting for a repeat of the 2002 musicweed event when some random guys came up to me and gave me ribena beause they thought I was tired. haha sorta begar-like. And when people asked if I was spastic. And when some people came and gave us toys for the spastic kids. Good times. The things I remember.