soph: I wish I could say I wrote this. But I didn't. =(

Few things in the world spread as much misery as a happy, smiling, well-adjusted pair of newly minted lovebirds. Wherever you go shopping malls, restaurants, target ranges you're likely to run into this evil breed, grinning, giggling and holding hands like a pair of lovestruck teenagers. What is it about a happy couple that provokes such rage and despair in its unintentional victims? We could spend all day on this, but for convenience's sake here's a short list of the top five irksome offenses:

1. Cute nicknames
"What are you thinking about, Itsy-Poo?" "Just how much I love you, Frumkins." Listening to a happy couple is like being trapped on the set of H.R. Pufnstuf. Even worse than these insipid monikers is the incessant baby talk — "Ooh, are we a wittle upset today, lamby-kins?" — which, if nothing else, confirms the widespread impression that newfound love causes your I.Q. to drop by at least 50 points.

2. Public displays of affection
It'll be summer soon, so brace yourself for all those smug, magazine-gorgeous happy couples who won't be satisfied until they've recreated that famous beach scene in From Here to Eternity, with as big an audience as possible. If it's any consolation (and it's not much, I admit), the only reason these folks indulge in such blatant PDA is because, deep down, they're insecure about themselves and about each other. As if that matters.

3. Finishing each other's sentences
"You know, this appetizer reminds me of..."
"...that delicious ceviche we had down on Cape Cod! Oh, Frumkins!"

If you're looking for a way to kill an evening, try staking out a happy couple near you and participating in this mind-reading routine (expressing your thoughts out loud is, of course, optional).

"Didn't that waitress look just like..."
"...that friend of yours I hit on after our last date? Oh, Inky-Doodles!"

4. Utter condescension
He's smart and good-looking; she's smarter and even better-looking. So, naturally, they want to set you up with their dumb, unattractive friend, and can't understand why you should be the slightest bit ungrateful. This "we didn't settle, but we expect you to" act is only slightly better than the related "Gosh, how can you stand being single?" routine, as sure an incitement to happy couple homicide as ever was invented.

5. Even more utter self-absorption
A happy couple could cruise by a twenty-vehicle interstate pileup involving a bus full of nuns and a Girl Scout troop, and all the gal will say is something like, "you see the orange-yellow upholstery in that car? That's what I had in mind, only a little less summery." But don't despair: science has proven that "Happy Couplehood" has only a six-month duration (a year, tops), so they'll be immersed in the unpleasantness of everyday existence soon enough, just like the rest of us.

Soph: yeeha!