well, it's year end. in a way, I'm glad because I need to get away from some things. In a way, I'm a bit sad, because I'm not looking forward to my very boring work attachment at AsiaPac.. hoepfully Arthur Loke and Co-soliciters will be more interesting. Tomorrow we're all to head down for Aps' Halloween party. In a way I'm looking forward to that because there are some people I like meeting. In a way, I'm not looking forward to it because I dont have an outfit and aps wants me to come as a cat but I absolutely refuse to parade as an animal because of the snide comments it will open me up to. Plus, there are people who I might not really want to meet just yet. which is part of the reason why it's also good school has ended.

I'm feeling kinda sad. some things have just happened... I've just heard other things. I'm just sad. But I must say that the one comfort I do feel now is that once again I know I can always count on Mel to be truthful to me. To tell me what's going on when I need to know. I suppose the truth hurts, but there is no substitute for a friend who will not lie to you.

I am now at Mel's house. We were supposed to prepare for tomorrow's tea party, but we ended up playing pool. It was fun. Pool is fun because it is different from what I normally do. So in a way it's a way away from the stresses and worries and sadness of my own life. It gives you short term goals you can actually fulfil (and therefore feel the sense of fulfillment).

But I talked to Chern too. And the more I talk to her, the more I realise how different I am from her. Even right down to her little English Teddy Bear Company T-Shirt- she's all so prim and right and well.. correct, whereas me, I'm infinitely more used to my old t-shirts and shorts. where she is refined I am coarse. Where they talk about crepes suzzette and strange-vegetable-name I chip in 'beetroot'! becoz it's the only veg I know that isn't kangkong or kiam chai and that I actually like (and even that it is only because I went to O'Briens with Daniel).

It is not that i want to be like chern. It's just that I wonder how possible it is to be close friends to someone who is so far removed from yourself. Someone who talks about clothes-matters and such, who has ideas for what is nice and interesting, while the only times i -do- go clothes shopping, I end up completely depressed (even when it's aps taking me out). Completely honest, I thought I knew chern better than I realise I know her today. completely honest, it is not a good feeling.

i suppose I am feeling a little out of place now. it just seems more emphasised that I'm the little country girl I am, lost in a sea of city girls. i do worry that I haven't grown up. I'm older than most of my friends, but I'm so much more naive inside. I've held on to my ideals and my childishness and really, i don't want to let it go. I'm happy with who I am, but I don't like how I'm being left behind by everyone who's rushing ahead to grow up.

I hate it when I am being mistaken for younger than I am. My boss (for the work attachment) gave me a critical eye when I talked to her. She thought I was too young for the job. For goodness sake, I was older than the other two! she never quesitoned them! And it wasn't the way I dressed or whatever. I was in sch u! And today, we went to play pool (chern me and mel) and the bloody old lady came back after us after a while to check my ID again! I was the bloody oldest! Check Chern for god's sake! (no no this has ntg to do with chern ok? just the little old lady).

I'm sick of everyone dressing up in short skirts. and tight tops. and makeup. and hair styles. I'm sick of feeling inferior and insecure and just completely out of place because everyone enjoys it and I don't. I'm sick of being so desperate to fit in when really I don't enjoy the processes. And I'm sick of hearing everyone talk about their boyfriends and how they're trying to make their boyfriends happy because I don't understand the feeling and while I think it is all well and good after a while it gets sickly sweet. like vomit. and I really have no qualms with BGR, as long as you keep it to yourself. *annoyed*